Sometimes I feel like this. It’s no big secret that I think today’s adults are just whiny petulant children who need a good slap to set them straight. From adult colouring books to the obesity epidemic their lives are about narcissistic instant self gratification. They blame everyone else for their problems and refuse to take any responsibility for their actions. They blame their parents for the state of the world and whine about how the value of the dollar means they can’t have what their parents had. Of course I am not talking about everyone but there is a certain type of adult for whom their life is someone else’s fault and nothing they can ever do will change anything. Their children are special little snowflakes who can do no wrong and they believe the world owes them a big house a nice car and a perfect body.
Grow the hell up.
There are certain things they won’t tolerate though… Don’t tell them to sacrifice time away from their family. Don’t tell them they have to work hard to earn a living. Don’t tell them that their self worth is their own responsibility and don’t dare tell them that they need to count calories to lose weight…
Of course, being a fitness blog I am referencing this through the filter of weight control and health. Sure, the economic outlook isn’t as rosy as it once was and some people are working very long hours for very little reward but there are certain things that anyone can change and make a huge turnaround in their life. But it takes work.
I am talking about the one thing that almost all of these petulant kidults complain about the most, and that is weight loss.
There are some very simple rules about weight loss, some are true, some are discredited but still true and some are just so hard to follow that they must be false. But they are still true. So here goes. I am not going to post links and articles because I don’t need validation for what I am saying. I don’t care if you think what is written here is true or not, your opinion is irrelevant to the facts. These are the facts and if you are sitting there sweating just reading this then this is for you.
How to lose weight from hardest to easiest…
1. Exercise to health
You have great drive, you can exercise because you love it and you’re burning the calories to eat anything right? If you’re a teenager maybe, and even then you’re setting yourself up for a future of obesity. This is not the way to do things, if you are putting in this kind of effort, then respect yourself enough to understand that hard work without attention to detail is just spinning your wheels, sure you’re going 100mph but you’re standing still. If this is you, give your head a shake.
2. Calories in vs. Calories out
You’re too good to give up any food so you think calories are the answer. The law of thermodynamics is your battle cry and you cling to that donut with your sticky pudgy fingers like it’s your first born. This approach is tedious and difficult and will work for everyone to a certain extent. The problem is that it’s like treating a fever with an ice bath. Sure the fever will abate but the underlying infection will bring it right back once you stop. Sound familiar? The reason this method works, regardless of it’s too basic tenet is that when most people start to count, they also start to pay attention to the quality of their food. It works but it’s mostly due to better choices than the actual fact of TDEE + BURN = Calories required.
Why do elite bodybuilders use this method? Because at that level this method is critical, they know what to eat, they know what they cannot eat and once everything else is in check, calorie counting is critical. You’re not there yet, believe me. As a personal aside I used this method very successfully last year to get to my lowest ever BF% but that’s because I know exactly what I can and cannot eat.
3. Low Carb / South Beach / Paleo
This is slowly becoming recognised as the standard way to healthy eating. The food industry giants of the corn and wheat sectors have been in control of the North American diet for years and look what it’s done for you. 60% or higher obesity rates and the fattest people on the planet.
There is a ton of research now available to tell you that this is the way to go. My mantra is always to eat one ingredient at a time and never eat anything from a package. The problem here is that portion sizes matter and unless you understand that you can’t eat unlimited amounts of steak and cheese this won’t work for you.
You’re fat, you need to eat less, that is a fact that you cannot escape.
However, eating more healthy food in the right proportions is infinitely easier than trying to track why a diet of soda and bread at 1500 calories doesn’t work. The reason why this method works so well is that it forces you to pay attention to what you are eating and what it is doing to you. Getting rid of grains and sugar will transform your life and your body. If that’s too hard to do then maybe you just enjoy being fat too much. If I told you I would give you $100,000 dollars a week not to eat grains I bet you’d find a way.
4. Low Carb High Fat / Keto
For me (and your mileage may vary) this is what works. My diet is occasionally upwards of 60% fat from healthy fats like coconut oil and avocado and nuts. My carb intake is extremely low and restricted to the hour after I work out in order to make the most of my Non Insulin Mediated Glucose Uptake window. I don’t eat lean beef or turkey because it’s too dry, I love pork, dark chicken meat and occasionally beef. I do eat dairy, and while this may not agree with some people my tolerance is OK. This method works because it turns off your desire for food. Have you always hated those people who say “I forgot to eat today”? Well that can be you if you increase your fat intake and cut your grains and sugars out completely. If you can keep your carb intake below 50g a day you will find a special place where food doesn’t matter and your mind is clear. It may take a couple of weeks to adjust while your body goes from a carb burning machine to a fat burning machine but after that you are actually using all that stored energy under  your skin to fuel your activity. A little sweet potato or oatmeal after your workout should be your only carb intake and pay attention to lots and lots of water. With lots and lots of water comes important attention to electrolytes. Salt your food and if you can drink bone broth which is filled with sodium and potassium and magnesium that you need while drinking enough water.
The one thing that is inescapable in your attempt to lose weight is knowledge. You have to know exactly what you are eating in order to make this work. To a degree that amounts will vary but you can get fat eating a keto diet if you are consuming too much food. Yeah, that calories in vs calories out thing really is important to know but it has to be paired with the proper nutritional knowledge. There are some others that are less critical too. Don’t drink alcohol. Never touch corn. Artificial sweeteners will make you fatter. Remember to count the cream in your coffee and quit taking sugar. Pop is poison. Walk 10,000 steps a day and exercise 5 days a week. Don’t have time? Bullshit.
You have excuses. No, they are not reasons, they are excuses. I know, I have been there and done that more times than I can remember but until I got serious with myself and understood that my pathetic whining wasn’t helping matters it was never going to work.
Take responsibility for yourself. If you are a parent don’t use your kids as an excuse. Take 30 minutes away from them now so that you can be a better parent in the long run and so they are not standing over a casket in 10-15 years asking why you didn’t take better care of yourself. Believe me when I tell you that telling them that losing weight is hard just won’t be a good enough reason to them. And it shouldn’t be to you.
This is hard, and it’s a long process, you didn’t get fat in a month and you won’t get thin in a month. The good news is that looking at pictures from 10 years ago when you were thin doesn’t mean it’s 10 years away to get back there, you can easily drop 50-60lbs in 6 months. That’s 60lbs lighter by Christmas. How about that for a Christmas gift?
Don’t even get me started on this body positivity shit either. Love yourself when you deserve it not because you’re too fucking lazy to do something worthwhile.
Good luck. Suck it up and get to work. You should be sick of your bullshit too by now.